🕊️ Seraphiel – Orc Lord

They said the Orc Dungeon was haunted by blood and bad manners. But when High Priest Seraphiel arrived, he found not an army—only a table, two mugs of orc ale, and the Orc Lord grinning behind a deck of cards.

Chapter I — “Deal or Heal?”

“We play for keeps,” the Orc Lord growled, slamming down his axe like a gavel. “One round of Yggdrasil Hold’em. If I win, you heal my soldiers forever. If you win, I—uh—clean the church floor or something.”

Seraphiel smirked. “Deal, my green friend. But you’ll soon learn that divine blessing improves more than HP bars.” Cards shimmered in his hands—each one inscribed with runes that glowed faintly gold.

“Bah,” the Orc Lord snorted. “Orc no believe in luck. Orc believe in hitting luck until it works.” He tossed his first hand. “Two Poring Cards and a Goat Card. Royal flush!”

“That’s… not how that works,” Seraphiel said, setting his hand down—Magnus Exorcismus glowing faintly on the table. “Blessing be upon these draws.”

Lightning cracked, and a spectral priestly halo flickered over the deck. “HEY!” the Orc Lord roared. “No buffing the cards! Orc call foul!”

Chapter II — The Power of the Draw

“Calm your tusks,” Seraphiel said. “It’s divine RNG.” He flipped his hand: Two Deviling Cards and a Dark Lord Joker. The Orc Lord’s jaw dropped so hard his helmet slipped over his eyes.

“Orc think you cheat,” the lord grunted, fumbling with his own hand. “But Orc also think… new rule! Loser drinks fermented Emperium brew!”

“You mean poison.”

“Is only poison if you lose!”

The High Priest laughed. He drew again, muttering a soft Impositio Manus over the deck for luck. “You’re about to learn what true synergy looks like, mighty Orc.”

“Synergy?” The lord frowned. “That food?”

“No,” Seraphiel said, flipping the final card. “That miracle.”

Chapter III — Faith Beats Fury

The table exploded in light as the final hand glowed like a holy relic: Archangel Card, Yggdrasil Leaf Card, and the MVP Symbol of Grace. The orc squinted, sweating through his pauldrons. “What that even mean?”

“It means I win.”

“NO!” The Orc Lord flailed, spilling his cards—Orc Baby and Orc Warrior staring up sadly from the table. “My family betray me!”

Seraphiel chuckled, handing him a napkin. “Next time, play with your heart, not your muscles.”

“Orc heart too busy pumping rage!”

“Then maybe it’s time to cast Sanctuary on it.” The priest’s aura shimmered; the mug refilled itself with fresh ale. “Now drink. You’ve been exorcised by the power of RNGesus.”

Epilogue — Card Shark in the Catacombs

Word spread fast. The Orcs stopped raiding for a week to play cards. Seraphiel earned a new title among them: ‘The Blessed Dealer’. The Orc Lord still challenged him every weekend, determined to win back his pride—and his tavern tab.

“One day, Orc win fair and square,” the lord declared, reshuffling badly.

“You’re shuffling the table, not the cards,” Seraphiel sighed. “Maybe next time.”

As laughter rolled through the dungeon, even the ghosts of Glast Heim paused their haunting to chuckle.